| Author | Message | ||
| John Thomson
New member Username: dylan Post Number: 4 Registered: 02-2006 |
Viciously, then I lock the door to the applause of retreating footsteps. A scattering of chairs loiters the room, each imprinted with the person they held. In silhouette, their outstretched arms seem to beg forgiveness. As the hall fills with midnight and a fragment of music escapes from the street, The chairs circle like wolves around me. The nearest containing all of your absence. | ||
| Andrew Dufresne
Member Username: beachdreamer Post Number: 72 Registered: 01-2006 |
Wow. What a simple and elegant statement. Such a feeling of menace at the end. Very good work here. ad | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 4286 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hello John This is an interesting piece if a bit hyperbolic with the chairs circling like wolves and maybe unsuported in the "Vicious" statement in the beginning. Some tweaking might help the poem. See below. Even if you keep the "Vicious" why the "then"? Chris ********** The Secret Life of Chairs I lock the door to the applause of retreating footsteps. A scattering of chairs loiters in the room, each imprinted with the person they held. In silhouette, their outstretched arms seem to beg forgiveness. As the hall fills with midnight a fragment of music escapes from the street; the chairs circle like wolves around me. The nearest contains all of your absence. Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Don Schaeffer
Intermediate Member Username: don_schaeffer Post Number: 354 Registered: 12-2003 |
This is a witty and charming piece. It's filled with real poetry which comes from bending ordinary images. I have no nits. Thoroughly enjoyed it. | ||
| Lazarus
Advanced Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 1331 Registered: 10-2005 |
I had problems with 'viciously too. I like a less strong opening, just simply 'I lock the door'- a one line entrance, then at the end: The chairs circle. The nearest containing all of your absence. It is still ominous but not too telling. Nice original poem with much power in its subtleties. Good Job John Thomson. The Age of Nations is past. The task before us now, if we would not perish, is to build the earth. - Teilhard de Chardin | ||
| John Thomson
New member Username: dylan Post Number: 5 Registered: 02-2006 |
Thanks to everyone for the kind comments and constructive crit. | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6769 Registered: 11-1998 |
Welcome to Wild, John. I found this an excellently constructed piece of work. I have no nits. The viciously worked for me. I'm also not one for couplets as the form is often misused. But you got it right. I give you the applause of retreating footsteps for that! *smile* | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2903 Registered: 08-2003 |
The silence is so loud in this work. The room is filled with the pain of the subject. A well done piece John. E | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 4095 Registered: 07-2002 |
John, I enjoyed this spare piece--especially the ending: and a fragment of music escapes from the street, The chairs circle like wolves around me. The nearest containing all of your absence. Stark images. Well done. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 766 Registered: 08-2004 |
John, Welcome to wild!! What a wonderful poem you have here. I adore the cadence and the imagery is very thought provoking. Good work here! (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1584 Registered: 11-2003 |
very happy to see you here, an interesting well-written poem laurie |
