| Author | Message | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1837 Registered: 11-2004 |
Maybe it's not a white hot bolt that serrates a troubled sky, not a breathless fall or a perfect fit, not the sighing into or the giving over, not the muffled click of tumblers dropping into place. Maybe it's the aching towards the thing your heart knows, the tearing down of every wall, the thing that bloodies your hands and smells of smoke- not lilacs or summer, but branded flesh. Maybe it is the feel of tools in your hand, the heaviness of iron on iron, the true thing forged by time and intent, the one sure step you take alone, not with faith or hope, but because there is nowhere else to go. (Message edited by sparklingseas on February 14, 2006) | ||
| Barbara St. Aubrey
Member Username: elyse Post Number: 83 Registered: 01-2006 |
This grabbed me from the first line all the way through - those first two line are teriffic - Maybe it's not a white hot bolt that serates a troubled sky, The ending is also strong - I can almost feel the heaviness and wanted to believe everything that was said in this poem. Maybe it is the feel of tools in your hand, the heaviness of iron on iron, the true thing forged | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 4118 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Dale I like the strong word sounds here and the drive of the piece. Strong ending. The idea of tools and flesh is strong in the poem and I particularly like this stanza-- Maybe it's the aching towards the thing your heart knows, the tearing down of every wall, the thing that bloodies your hands and smells of smoke- not lilacs or summer, but branded flesh. -- wonderful. Great work, Dale. Bravo. My one reservation would be that "note to self" appears to be a weak title for a strong poem. I think you can do better title-wise and I encourage you to do so. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com/ | ||
| wyldthang
Member Username: wyldthang Post Number: 57 Registered: 02-2006 |
Hello! I agree that "note to self" doesn't live up to such a great poem. The first stanza is perfect, the best, tightest part. In the second, "Lilac and summer" seems an odd comparison to use, and doesn't enhance the burning image by contrast(for me). Love the tools! The last stanza is "just right", as well. Back to the middle stanza, it doesn't match as well along with the other two. The other two have hardware, the middle has aching(although you mentioned branded, that requires harware, but it doesn't come first like bolt or tools). Maybe you could rework somehow with a branding iron as the image of the second stanza(instead of aching). I really, really liked this;0) | ||
| Carin
Advanced Member Username: carin Post Number: 368 Registered: 10-2003 |
Dale - great! My favorite actually also the last S. I get where you were going with the title, but just have to drop my two cents that I'd agree with the idea to change it...this is really wonderful, Dale, just have to read it again and again. Thanks! Carin "ironing rocks into petals, we manipulate weak language..." ~ D.D. | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Valued Member Username: sulis Post Number: 152 Registered: 03-2002 |
I love the passion with which this poem was written. It surrounds this reader with earthiness and sweat and gut-felt emotion. Strong stuff. Sulis | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2814 Registered: 08-2003 |
Dale this is painfully beautiful. Maybe it's the aching towards the thing your heart knows, the tearing down of every wall, the thing that bloodies your hands and smells of smoke- not lilacs or summer, but branded flesh. So well done! A title: Petals and Smoke The Heaviness of Iron The Weight of Lavender The Step Ahead Some ideas....  E | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3997 Registered: 07-2002 |
Dale, This section moved me: the one sure step you take alone, not with faith or hope, but because there is nowhere else to go. Beautifully written. I am slowly realizing that in my own life and it is strangely comforting. I see where you are going with the title, but it does feel a little flippant given the intensity of the poem. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6627 Registered: 11-1998 |
Although all of this was excellent, Dale, that last verse really resounded with me. It was how I had to approach life after my husband died -- those steps forward alone only because there was nowhere else to go. It was the hardest thing I've ever faced. I wish I had had this poem to read then. It is a very striking piece and is in need of a more striking title. That's the only flaw I found. The rest was pretty damn stunning in a quietly powerful way. | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2998 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dale, I liked it all. E has given you some good title suggestions. K | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1867 Registered: 11-2004 |
Thank you all for your wonderful comments. I've yet to find a better title, though surely there must be one. Sis~ thanks for the HM nod, even with the lousy title. take care all~dale | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1552 Registered: 11-2003 |
the thing your heart knows? hot jolt journal I dunno helpful? regardless enjoyed the read thanks laurie | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1880 Registered: 11-2004 |
Laurie~ ~smiles~ Thanks, dear... good input and I am always glad to hear what you think. When I grow up I wanna' be a real poet like you. hugs~dale |
