| Author | Message | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3919 Registered: 07-2002 |
REVISION: "Havdalah" I have said goodbye, opened windows to the night, the stutter of wings against glass. Three stars mark Shabbat's end. The angel nods; Yes, she is the one. I read her name on his lips. When they kiss, his mouth will taste of honey and cloves. The echo of cinnamon clears the room of antiseptic fear. I will sing the song of separation. I promise her this as I pluck the snake coiled inside her throat, fling it to the floor, stomp it beneath my boot. The wound gapes; blue ribbons wind poison along her arms. I plead; the angel shakes his head. He is still waiting, his gaze filled with tenderness. ORIGINAL: "Leaving the ICU" I have already said goodbye, opened the windows to the night, whispered in the angel's ear, 'yes, she is the one.' Her name is on his lips. When they kiss, his mouth will taste of honey and cloves. His breath will clear her eyes of clouds. I promise her this as I pluck the snake coiled inside her throat, fling it to the floor, stomp it beneath my booted foot. The wound gapes; blue ribbons wind poison along her arms. I plead with him; the angel shakes his head. He is still waiting, his gaze is filled with tenderness. Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6562 Registered: 07-2001 |
Lisa, lovely, a fine tribute to one you clearly love. Here the angel shakes his head. He is still waiting, his gaze is filled with tenderness. maybe He waits/his gaze... and make the last line its own S to keep the triplets Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1489 Registered: 11-2003 |
like this alot lisa, I wonder if the title gives too much away. Very good work, it feels true and good laurie | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3923 Registered: 07-2002 |
Gary--thank you. I had that final line on its own originally, but moved it because it seemed out of place. I'll reconsider. Thanks. Laurie--thank you very much. I couldn't think of a title at all--yes, it gives much away. I'll keep thinking of another. Maybe if I keep writing, it will all suddenly make sense. My grandmother is in hospice now, and slipping further and further from us. I don't know what the angel is waiting for, but I will trust in his wisdom. xo ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| michael julius sottak
Advanced Member Username: julius Post Number: 2084 Registered: 12-2003 |
Lisa... I know there are angels, darlin! | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6547 Registered: 11-1998 |
Dearest Lisa -- yes, keep writing. Doing that may not cause it to make more sense right now, but you will read it years from now and suddenly, it will all become clear. I journaled after my husband's death. Reading it now, I understand that which I did not at the time. Some suggestions for you to toss or accept: I have [already] said goodbye, opened [the] windows to the night, whispered (I wanted something more imaginative than "whispered" -- it's too easy, everyone uses it.) in the angel's ear, 'yes, she is the one.' ( rather than quote marks I would italicize -- yes, she is the one.) Her name is on his lips. When they kiss, his mouth will taste of honey and cloves. His breath will clear her eyes of clouds. (clearing clouds from the eyes borders on cliche. Something less expected?) I promise her this as I pluck the snake coiled inside her throat, fling it to the floor, stomp it beneath my boot[ed foot]. The wound gapes; blue ribbons wind poison along her arms. I plead [with him]; the angel shakes his head. He is still waiting, his gaze [is] filled with tenderness. Hope something I've offered will help. As for understanding all this, remember the quote by Aeschylus: " . . .until in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom thought the awful grace of God." Unfortunately, god's grace comes later . . . sometimes years later. *sigh* Much Love, M | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3925 Registered: 07-2002 |
Thanks, M, for your crit. I will file it with the poem for when I feel able to return to it for revision. J--yes, definitely. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3927 Registered: 07-2002 |
Dearest M, I was moved to work on this today. I don't know whether it's better or worse, but it is closer to what I feel. Thank you for letting me know where the piece dipped into cliche. I am still working--on the poem, through my emotions. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1496 Registered: 11-2003 |
this the title is much better and like this better, not entirely convinced on the last line but I would leave it alone for the moment very good work xo laurie | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2705 Registered: 08-2003 |
Dear Lisa, The revisions are brilliant and the kiss so well realized. It is the fine point of looking that makes this piece so sharp. I am in agreement with Laurie on the last line. xo E | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6550 Registered: 11-1998 |
Much improved, dear heart. Unlike the others, I have no problem with the ending lines. I found the idea of the angel of death filled with tenderness to be a surprising view. Normally, people are afraid of this angel and he is not depicted as having much compassion. My only nit came here: "The echo of cinnamon clears the room of antiseptic and fear." I would remove the 'and' and let this just stand as "antiseptic fear." I realize this changes the meaning somewhat -- there is no longer two separate things (antiseptic and fear). But the juxtaposition of the two words together brings a whole new vision to fear. It makes the reader contemplate more than if the two things are considered separately. Other than that, you should be very pleased with this one. Even in your grief, you have remained composed and eloquent. Love, M | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3932 Registered: 07-2002 |
Laurie, E, and M, Thank you very much. I think I will likely leave the final line as is. I want to see death as the personification of a kind of love. She deserves that. Havdalah is the service that marks the end of the Jewish sabbath. Its literal meaning is 'separation'. In it, incense is used to compensate us for our separation from the beauty of the sabbath and the return to our regular lives. I believe my grandmother will be returning with the angel to God, and the separation for me is bittersweet. But like the cycle of the Sabbath returning, I believe I will see her again. I don't usually 'explain' my work, but I thought some background on the imagery would be useful. And M--you are right about removing that 'and'--takes the phrase to a completely different and more true place. xo, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1780 Registered: 11-2004 |
Lisa~ The revision (including the title) make this a most beautiful poem. The tender angel is a comforting concept. I am touched by the dignified and gentle tone of this piece. hugs to you~dale | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3945 Registered: 07-2002 |
Thank you, Dale. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 3027 Registered: 09-2002 |
Lisa, the revision is wonderful. What a wonderful tribute and one to feel proud of. You have my condolences. Best, Kathryn | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3951 Registered: 07-2002 |
Thank you, Kathryn. Best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Laurel K Dodge
Advanced Member Username: laurel Post Number: 158 Registered: 07-2003 |
"Hospital time is different than normal time." Boy, did you say a mouthful. I read those words last night on your blog and they took me instantly back to the weekend my father died four years ago. My father slipped away before my family had to make the decision you had to make, L. I'd like to think that I could've been as brave as you if faced with that responsibility. Your revision of this poem is powerful. I might, under different circumstances, coax you to let go of the final line and end the poem on waiting but the tenderness of the angel's gaze might be too important to you personally right now to let it go. I'm glad I found your blog. And this poem. |
