| Author | Message | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1906 Registered: 12-2003 |
Point of Honor ...... Lynchburg Dueling pistols no longer flash in the sunlight. What stray bullets fly here have nothing to do with love or honor. Territory is everything. The dandified gentlemen who faced each in the morning sun have disappeared into the mist that rises from the James no different than two hundred years ago. Chrome handlebars slide through afternoon into night peddled by boys talking on cell phones. Dreadlocks snap like whips in the wind. Something exchanges hands beneath the shadow of statues, on street corners, through car windows. In a private room Caesar and Pompey drink to their new partnership watched over by the uneasy eyes of minions – their destinies of blood linked together by the pearl-handled revolvers tucked into their belts. (Message edited by jimdoss on January 27, 2006) My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.net. Read the latest Trakl translations at http://www.literaturnische.de/Trakl/english/index-trakl-e.htm. | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 3939 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Jim This is a nice meditation on the ironies of history. Good details throughout. I have to say though that since with the "dandified gentlemen" referenced at the beginning and the move to rasta-rap modernity, I did not grasp immediately that by "Caesar and Pompey" you might be referencing the Roman rivals, as now I assume you might be... rather because of the time periods so clearly described earlier, they sound more like black slave names. Just a point to consider from this reader's point of view. Possibly "private room" could be better described... a room in a fleapit dive or a low-rent apartment, or what? Jim, might you care to make it ebony-handled revolvers as a little tasty addition?  Nice work, Jim. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1909 Registered: 12-2003 |
Chris, Thanks for the suggestions. I wasn't sure if the reference to Ceasar and Pompey worked..... I meant it as a general historical illusions to friendships that turn into partnerships to acquire wealth and power, then into bitter rivalries. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.net. Read the latest Trakl translations at http://www.literaturnische.de/Trakl/english/index-trakl-e.htm. | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2573 Registered: 08-2003 |
A good read. I would ditch the dueling pistols and being with: Territory is everything. What stray bullets fly [here] have nothing to do with love or honor. I think you still make your point without the beginning image. Something exchanges hands beneath the shadow of statues, on street corners, through car windows. The atmosphere you create blends history with the present scene. I enjoyed this Jim. E | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3855 Registered: 07-2002 |
Jim, One nit here: Chrome handlebars slide through afternoon into night peddled by boys talking on cell phones whose dreadlocks snap like whips in the wind. The way it's set, the dreadlocks modify the cell phones. Surely not the image you were striving for! Perhaps: Chrome handlebars slide through afternoon into night. Boys talk on cell phones, their dreadlocks snappin like whips in the wind. I like the weaving of history and the present and it's good to see you back at wild, my friend. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 3942 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Jim Glad my comments helped. If you want to reference a rivalry you might go for Hamilton and Burr or else some other well known duellists in early America. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com/ | ||
| michael julius sottak
Advanced Member Username: julius Post Number: 2019 Registered: 12-2003 |
for a chuckle... Alexander and Hamilton come to life... but also Anton Checkov.... and I ask you both, have you ever pointed a pistol at a man's head? it defines your life. | ||
| SplinterGroup
Advanced Member Username: splinter Post Number: 993 Registered: 11-2003 |
I don't know about what anybody else said this piece just makes me sad and a bit disgusted with modern times. | ||
| michael julius sottak
Advanced Member Username: julius Post Number: 2020 Registered: 12-2003 |
yikes, I mean no harm in this...my friends but to realize you are going to kill that sunofabitch before he kills you, and he's in your sights, and you know that you have no compunction about pulling the trigger, you have been given the order to shoot! but he is looking at you... you see everything in his eyes, his wife, his children, everything, ... and your finger is on the trigger, but you sense there is nothing wrong,,, his eyes are pleading, and he gently pulls back the blankets....... there is nothing but shrimp bait... and every man on both boats sinks to his knees | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 666 Registered: 08-2004 |
Hey Jim, You received better thoughts concerning edits than I could give, so, I'll just add my admiration for your poetry. You have a wonderfully strong voice here, I was captured from the start. Well done!! (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 3943 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Julius Sounds like you have the makings of another winner there, matey. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com/ | ||
| michael julius sottak
Advanced Member Username: julius Post Number: 2021 Registered: 12-2003 |
Jim, Chris... sorry for barging in...(and I meant Hamilton & Burr)... I so often delight in a poem that sparks me, Jim... this one took me back to a chapter I will never forget...we were patrolling the anchorage perimeter of a Marine Amphibious Group... 6 ships, seven hundred of our Marines ashore, and the warning had come down from "on- high" that they were going to attempt a terrorist run on our ships, a fishing boat kept running into the perimeter of our anchorage. I was the closest boat & officer in charge... after running him off three times I was given the order by the Commodore & Captain, now both awake, to "blow those motherfuckers out of the water!" everything about the situation reeked like the raw sewage effulent from the City of Beriut...I told them I was going in for a look...but hysteria came back in reply, "blow those muthafuckas out of the water!!!" I told my men to lock and load from behind the armor on the starbord side. Nichols was shouting at me, "You crazy muthafucka, you heard what they said!" I did, but it was my particular ass and I was going to hang no matter what happened...so I walked to the port side, with my 45 pointed at the helmsman's head... we were all dead anyway, if he was loaded with explosives...he wasn't... just a goddamn fisherman... one week later the "Beruit Hilton' was blown to pieces.1983.... | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6426 Registered: 07-2001 |
Jim, I want to play with this part The dandified gentlemen who faced each in the morning sun have long disappeared into the mist that rises from the James no different than it did two hundred years ago. I might The dandified gentlemen who faced each other in the morning sun have long disappeared into mist that rises from the James as it did two hundred years ago. Actually, I want it even shorter to get the main point quicker, probably that before also. And a S break after ago and after windows. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6456 Registered: 11-1998 |
An arresting piece of work, Jim. The juxtaposition of the past and the present here is stunning. I'm in agreement with most of the suggestions you have been given, but I'd like to add a nit of my own: "Territory is everything." A bit too telling a statement. I believe the content of your piece shows this quite well. In my opinion, there is no need to actually state it. Welcome back -- you have been sorely missd around here. | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 3004 Registered: 09-2002 |
Jim, Excellent piece, well crafted. Best, Kathryn | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2953 Registered: 12-2003 |
Jim, nice to see you around here again. enjoyed the read. The new wild west! K | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1913 Registered: 12-2003 |
All, Thanks for the comments and suggestions. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.net. Read the latest Trakl translations at http://www.literaturnische.de/Trakl/english/index-trakl-e.htm. |
