| Author | Message | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 303 Registered: 05-2005 |
revision Separate floss. Slip knot each bundle, tape the seams on the map—prevents tearing. Start at the center, bury the gold needle with three strands light brown. Virgin seduction, build the life pattern. Navigate the underside: marriage knots, trip wire nooses, pubic snares trussed to needles. First sex is no excuse to succumb to the weave, freedom is scissors or a needle. I know precisely my location on the grid. Follow one color across canvas, stitch two, tangle, twist, pull my hair. Again, I’ve forgotten to release the needle, let it unwind. Too much trouble to rip out the work, thread is finite. Trace roads across the page, discover later they were really rivers—old eyes are colorblind. From the back seat: ”daddy never gets lost because he has a map in his head.” Some loose ends become clumps and lumps underneath. Mix one strand purple panty party hat, two strands golden Chai, move up five, go right Fill pale violet between baobab leaves, dot her lion eye, stretch, wash and block. Sew small deviations from the diagram: accidental shades not on fate’s map. Step away from woolen fibers into Blixen’s Africa, forget the color names. original Start at the center. First symbol: green plus: three strands of light brown, half cross stitched. Don’t fall for the first color, separate the rest. The work is close, take off my glasses to see. Do two then down one, skip three, four more, diagonal up and left First sex, first knot. Second sex, second knot. Twist, tangle, pull, forget to let go of the needle and let it spin. Search for scissors. Mix one strand purple party hat, two strands golden Chai, move up five, go right Daddy never gets lost because he has a map in his head. Fill pale violet between baobab leaves, dot her lion eye, stretch, wash and block. Small deviations from the diagram; shades not on the map. Step away from woolen fibers into Blixen’s Africa, forget the color names. | ||
| jennifer vanburen
New member Username: annaswirls Post Number: 41 Registered: 10-2005 |
I love this transitional section... "Mix one strand purple party hat, two strands golden Chai, move up five, go right Daddy never gets lost because he has a map in his head. Fill pale violet between baobab leaves, dot her lion eye, stretch, wash and block. " very smooth, seamless writing at first I felt like you were writing directions to someone, until the "my glasses" which threw me for a bit. I see that it is internal dialogue, but the "my" really stood out. Perhaps this was intentional, but there are no other self-references like that in the poem. If you cut the "my" in my opinion, it keeps the consistancy of voice through the whole poem. "Don’t fall for the first color, separate the rest. The work is close, take off glasses to see." I respect your smooth patience in tangles and details of creation, that is how this reads to me, as a creation story, whispers to the creator. Thank you-- Jennifer www.mannequinenvy.com | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3830 Registered: 07-2002 |
Steve, I need a few more breadcrumbs. One the one hand, it feels too abstract and I don't connect with it. On the other, I recognize some of the personal details, but they are so specific that I don't connect. Yikes! How's that for a contradiction? I do like the sound and feel of the piece and these 2 sections are my favorites: Twist, tangle, pull, forget to let go of the needle and let it spin. Search for scissors. and Fill pale violet between baobab leaves, dot her lion eye, stretch, wash and block. Sorry I can't be more helpful here, Steve. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 841 Registered: 10-2005 |
Steve- I would like to see this section up higher: Small deviations from the diagram; shades not on the map. Step away from woolen fibers into Blixen’s Africa, forget the color names. An end could be: Fill pale violet between baobab leaves, dot her lion eye, stretch, wash and block. Agree with Jen on 'my.' With Lisa on direction. Take us through this. Sew us into it. The frustrations, the contentment with repetition, and the final feeling of accomplishment. You have a very good base for a fine poem. Also spell 'cross' in title don't use x becuase we will say x. (Message edited by lazarus on January 19, 2006) “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6385 Registered: 11-1998 |
Dear Heart -- OK, shall I say it? Nah. *thinkin', thinkin', thinkin' -- passage of lots of time* I can't help it. I've got to say it! I told you this one was too obtuse. Whew! Now, I feel lots better.  In my opinion, what needs work here are the italicized sections which are the heart of the piece. You've given them short shrift. More development there and the whole will become clearer. When I read this, I sense an author who is standing back from the work. He's writing about something very emotionally significant to him, but he's holding back. You want to strike an emotional cord with the reader, correct? Then open your heart and say what is painful. You are taking no emotional risks in the italicized sections where emotional risk is critical. Give the reader the details. This is just not going to do that: "First sex, first knot. Second sex, second knot." It's clinical, not emotional. Was it painful to write that? If not, then you didn't go deep enough. I love the associations you are trying to make here -- cross stitch and failed love. It is a unique correlation (*grin*). But your scientific side is overriding your emotional one. Not good in poetry. Make me feel the pain. Make me feel the resolution. Logic is good, but feeling is better. Much Love, M | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 611 Registered: 08-2004 |
okay, I'll be back. You my dear, are almost there. I feel a great poem coming. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 304 Registered: 05-2005 |
thx all for your thoughts going to sit and rewrite now... feedback such as you've given is invaluable to the process. and yes M, no causation to be found  s | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2937 Registered: 12-2003 |
Steve, I enjoyed as is. Okay, maybe that's because I cross-stitch and have used it in poems before, or maybe I'm odd. Who cares? Maybe drop down and italicize the line " the work is close, take off my glasses to see." K (Message edited by kathy on January 19, 2006) | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 614 Registered: 08-2004 |
Very good edit, Steve. This is quite lovely and so well weaved.. What I get is a lifetime cross-stitch, and beautifully done at that. Very clever and well done. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6401 Registered: 11-1998 |
Sweet Knees -- MUCH better. I am now feeling the emotional engagement of the author and so I, too, am more open to getting emotionally involved. I had a bit of a problem at first with this verse: "Trace roads across the page, discover later they were really rivers—old eyes are color blind. From the back seat: ”daddy never gets lost because he has a map in his head.” but I changed my mind after I read it a couple of more times. The switch to roads and rivers from stitchery was initially a bit jarring, but then I decided that traditional maps and "maps" that come with stitching kits are very similar. So, my reservations about that dissipated. The comparison makes sense now that my brain is less tired. Now my only questions come here: "freedom is scissors or a needle. I know precisely my location on the grid." I understand freedom as scissors. What I'm having trouble with is freedom as a needle. Scissors sever so that is easily translated. But how is freedom a needle? Pardon my lilliputian-sized brain. Perhaps if I think on it some more, it will eventually come to me. Also, I thought this might be phrased a little differently to get rid of the adverb because they are a bit uncomfortable in poetry: "I know precisely my location on the grid." Would you consider? "I know my precise location on the grid." Speaking to the piece as a whole, it is still not entirely clear that the first relationship is abandoned for a new start. If it is not critical to you that the reader "see" this, then do nothing. However, if you would like more clarity, you will have to keep working. As it is, he is working on the same piece of canvas from beginning to end. This makes me conclude that he stayed in the relationship, choosing to repair rather than "clip." If this interpretation is OK with you, then ignore my advice to edit. It is beautiful work whether you decide to keep editing or not. Just wanted you to know what interpretations will be applied in case that is not your intent. You can obviously out-write me, even with old eyes. Whether you can out-stitch me, however, still remains open.  Much Love, M P.S. Colorblind is one word. | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 615 Registered: 08-2004 |
I saw two relationships, M, hmm, look back up there where the scissor and needle are-- also, I see very clearly what it takes to release a 'color'. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 306 Registered: 05-2005 |
OK Tweaked again sorry for the short answer earlier, was tired. oh, on the 'x' in the title tis a reference to maps where 'x marks the spot' also, i use that again on the line break at 'bury the gold' as to the fabric and its metaphor, my intention was for the fabric to be a metaphor for one life, hence one project. the other stuff is all things that are woven into to the base throughout. hope that clears that up ?? And, M you pushed me hard on this, I appreciate it muchly, this piece needed pushing . i've added a transition line and a few words and fixed those pesky edits. hope this is gettin close now thx again you all for your help s | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 866 Registered: 10-2005 |
Steve- This has a unified feel now and a flow that was not in the original. My hat's off to your fine edit and remarkable result! “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Morgan Lafay
Advanced Member Username: morganlafay Post Number: 1325 Registered: 08-2005 |
Steve, oh....this untangled into a wonderful piece. Really, wonderful. I enjoyed reading; read several times! | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2557 Registered: 08-2003 |
Steve I am so impressed with your development of this. To compare original to revised is like silk thread to kimono. I am missing a line in the original though: Don’t fall for the first color, separate the rest. Can you incorporate it back into the piece? I think underpinning the poem to expressive threads makes for a more emotive piece. Like Navigate the underside and others. E | ||
| Sis
Moderator Username: djclowes Post Number: 254 Registered: 11-1998 |
Well, first of all, as a cross-stitcher myself I find this fascinating. I have often lost myself in the complexities of the weave and pattern of a project. It takes time to complete , lots of time, especially if the pattern is personal or self-created and not just a printed diagram. I am impressed Steve, not often do I see a man grasp the nuances of this type of craft and connect it so intricately to life. This is not a gender slur/praise per se just an observation. :-) First sex is no excuse to succumb to the weave, freedom is scissors or a needle I read M's comments about this and then I smiled. This statement should be obvious to anyone who does cross-stich. Freedom from the pattern or a mistakein the pattern is always scissors (obvious) to cut it away, or the needle (not so obvious) which changes the pattern instead of destroying the threads already in place. You also pick out the mistakes in a weave with a needle. :-) Its a painstaking process and not as fast as the scissors but saves the whole. We can't restart life but we can change its direction and learn from the mistakes. Your metaphor is awesome Steve and I applaud you with all four paws on the re-write. I hope I am not too far off the map with this train of thought, but it is how I interpret it. wolf hugs Sis |
