| Author | Message | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 425 Registered: 01-2005 |
The Man Who Killed Spiders He came to my house wearing khaki coveralls with a crest over his breast pocket. How I wanted his embroidered name to be mine. He might have slain dragons, saved virgins squirming on the stake, instead he goes house-to-house smothering rats, termites, roaches. He can’t kill everything. Raccoons and squirrels must be trapped and borne away--there are laws. He tries to explain that spiders do good, that he is reluctant to spray around their godly habitats. I do not listen. I live in fear of the arachnid’s instant appearance on the wall, afraid one will find me appealing and creep onto my clothing, my face, to rest. I can’t help it, I tell him. I’m sorry, I say. Kill only these in my sacrosanct home and I will learn to love their fragile webs hanging empty in the garden. | ||
| Don Schaeffer
Intermediate Member Username: don_schaeffer Post Number: 253 Registered: 12-2003 |
There is a problem with that one really long line. It should be two lines. But this is a really neat piece that feels like it talking on in a casual conversation. | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 426 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks Don, I thought I had fixed that long line before I posted. Haven't yet learned how one edits a piece after posting. ~Teresa | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 483 Registered: 08-2004 |
This is great, Teresa. You should have several icons on the upper right hand corner of your posts, click on the first, (tablet & pencil) that will send you to the editing area. I agree about the spiders, especially around my g-baby.. but, I know as well the good they do. I would like to see "into" in place of "onto" but that could just be my weirdness- (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3626 Registered: 07-2003 |
Neat poem Teresa, I collect spiders in a feather duster and put them outside, they weave webs on the cane fruit and protect the fruit from pests! | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 429 Registered: 01-2005 |
Karen, thanks for letting me know how to edit a poem. I never even noticed those little icons before. "Into" would work for "into my clothing" but then I'd need "onto" for "my face"...I'll take a closer look at that. Zephyr, Great that you can collect spiders and put them outside. I'm a true arachnaphobe and probably would be even too scared to do that --though a feather duster would be perfect--I've at least have them at arm's length. Glad you found this to be a neat poem!! Best, Teresa | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6162 Registered: 07-2001 |
Teresa, a good poem. Outside until you get a web in the face, esp in fall. I want the short lines, longer but is the just the way I am. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 430 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks, Gary. Argghhh, a web in one's face. Even that would scare me. I'll be taking a closer look at my line breaks. Best, Teresa | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6248 Registered: 11-1998 |
There is such beauty in this at the end, Teresa. You managed, even being an arachnaphobe, to sustain quite a moment and a feeling in those empty webs hanging in the garden. I could even see little crystals of water hanging from them. Here's my edited version. Compare and contrast with your original and keep what works for you. He came wearing khaki coveralls with a crest over his breast pocket. How I wanted his embroidered name to be mine. He might have slain dragons, saved virgins squirming on the stake. Instead he travels house-to-house smothering rats, termites, roaches. He can’t kill everything. Raccoons, squirrels must be trapped and borne away--there are laws. He explains that spiders do good, he is reluctant to spray their godly habitats. I do not listen. I fear the arachnid’s appearance on the wall, the ones who will find me appealing and creep onto my clothing, my face, to rest. I’m sorry, I say. Kill only those in my sacrosanct home and I will learn to love fragile webs hanging empty in the garden. Perhaps something I've offered will help? Love, M P.S. I might shorten the title to only this: "The Man Who Kills" Leave the reader hanging a bit to find out what he really kills. I think it makes for more intrigue that way. | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 431 Registered: 01-2005 |
Dear M, I really like all your edits --you've smoothed out the rough edges quite nicely; I'll probably use them all. And I also like your idea for a title change--I think I'll use it! Thanks so much, Teresa | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1425 Registered: 11-2003 |
I LOVE THE FINAL LINE IN THIS TERESA I am reluctant to killing spiders and Hass did a translation of a Basho? someone help me out, he was the "critter" poet I think, wrote enormously about insects etc. I think it goes something like "don't worry little spider, I keep house carelessly" or something like that if you need a fix I posted "Doorways" peace teresa xo Laurie | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 436 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks for commenting, Laurie. Glad you loved the final line. I'm not familiar with the work of Hass or Basho but really like the line you quoted. I was traumatized by a spider when a young girl of about nine while playing hide n seek. I was trapped in a small laundry room with a tarantula creeping slowly toward me. I don't kill them; I let my husband take care of them --he gets them on a piece of paper and takes them outside. Good to read your latest poem! Best, Teresa | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3716 Registered: 07-2002 |
Teresa, I love this poem and M's suggested edits are spot on. That last stanza is an 'ahhhh' moment. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 437 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks Lisa for the kind comment!! Much appreciated, Teresa |
