| Author | Message | ||
| Vienna
Senior Member Username: vienna Post Number: 413 Registered: 11-1998 |
Letter to my Father on New Year’s Eve I imagine you are dancing; foxtrot you said was such a lovely word. You are dancing with my mother, wearing your easy smile and jacket cuffs turned up, folded inwards because there’s no need to sew if there’s better things to do. We are on the grassy banks of Scalby, watching blue breakers, cormorants dive; sucking nectar from fat, purple clover. We are fossil seeking explorers. The mirror tells me we still are. Aquiline, short of stature; no one knew we could talk with horses although whenever we swam with them a small crowd gathered on the beach. I am still mostly late, stuck in the sun-hazy seventies; wear your smile and my heart on my sleeve. Whatever I do, I think you wouldn’t mind. I wish you were here, somewhere between the skyrockets and champagne. I would ask you to dance, pat my head; join me in some crazy adventure. 'All of us get lost in the darkness Dreamers learn to steer by the stars' Neil Peart My poetry books at Lulu http://people.lulu.com/users/index.php?fHomepage=101596 | ||
| native dancer
Advanced Member Username: nativedancer Post Number: 294 Registered: 12-2004 |
a wonderful portrait, carole. i do think the last line should stick w/dancing as the metaphor, and not veer off into "some crazy adventure." perhaps something on the order of "rein me in/when I try to lead" which would reassert the lovely horse image you introduced earlier. jim (Message edited by nativedancer on January 02, 2006) | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3592 Registered: 07-2003 |
Hi Vienna, a good portrait here, a couple of minor nits... I am still mostly late...seemed an awkward way to say usually and "in the" seemed a weak line ending.A good suggestion from Native Dancer.  | ||
| Vienna
Senior Member Username: vienna Post Number: 415 Registered: 11-1998 |
Lol thanks Native Dancer! I guess the most wonderful thing about my Dad was the fact that he would indeed veer off into some crazy adventure or another! Maybe 'give me my head, let me lead' ? maybe some crazy tango? lol this was just a collection of thoughts really and not a 'proper poem' but I am glad you liked it. He made me who I am and I will be eternally gratefull for his eccentricity and unconventional spirit Thanks again V 'All of us get lost in the darkness Dreamers learn to steer by the stars' Neil Peart My poetry books at Lulu http://people.lulu.com/users/index.php?fHomepage=101596 | ||
| native dancer
Advanced Member Username: nativedancer Post Number: 296 Registered: 12-2004 |
yeah, i thought of let me lead. that's another good finis. j | ||
| SplinterGroup
Advanced Member Username: splinter Post Number: 963 Registered: 11-2003 |
nostalgic, well written professional and bittersweet. You really did a fine job with this "V.". Just the right amount of pictures and emotion to take us there and enjoy this portrait with you. love the scenery and the descriptive pasages as well as the implied message. Addotto | ||
| KA
Advanced Member Username: kerryann Post Number: 139 Registered: 10-2002 |
Touching tribute, V. The first two stanzas made me smile, misty-eyed. Very nice. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6109 Registered: 07-2001 |
V, a fine tribute to your father. Re the breaks, here I am still mostly late, stuck in the sun-hazy seventies; wear your smile and my heart on my sleeve. Whatever I do, I think you wouldn’t mind. try I am still mostly late, stuck in the sun-hazy seventies; wear your smile and my heart on my sleeve. Whatever I do, I think you wouldn’t mind. Ending on verbs creates sort of a rhyme. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed http://www.lulu.com/content/178110 . The Dawg House http://garydawg.blogspot.com/ . December's FireWeed http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6223 Registered: 11-1998 |
Well, I had to get out the hankies for this one, my sister. It was particularly poignant for me now as I just talked to my own father and the short form is that the doc told him that if he doesn't have heart surgery, he only has 3-5 years left. All of us have to decide with the doc whether dad is strong enough to make it through surgery. At his advanced age, the surgery could be riskier than doing nothing at all. Seems like a choice between bad and worse. *sigh* He is OK with it because I said I was OK with it. That no matter what, I'd support his decision. That we'd walk through this together, just like he told me two years ago. What would we have done without our great fathers, V? I so wish I could have met yours. The only part I might niggle with is this: "wear your smile and my heart on my sleeve." A little cliche there with heart on my sleeve. You could make one tiny change, though, and give it a different spin: "wear your smile as the heart on my sleeve." Changing it so the smile IS the heart would downplay the cliche, make the reader realize that you knew it was cliche and spun it a bit. Something to think about. | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 455 Registered: 08-2004 |
Vienna, This is quite wonderful. I really enjoyed. One thing: watching blue breakers, cormorants dive sometimes we absolutely need an 'and' to keep different 'birds' separate. Truly, a lovely work of art. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3709 Registered: 07-2002 |
Vienna, I loved how this wove in and out of memory with a touch of fantasy. Lovely. Some thoughts in-line: I imagine you foxtrot you said was such a lovely word, wearing your easy smile and jacket cuffs turned up, folded inwards because there’s no need to sew if there’s better things to do. <--LOVE that line--so evocative of the type of person your father must have been We are on the grassy banks of Scalby, watching blue breakers, cormorants dive; sucking nectar from fat, purple clover. <--who/what is sucking the nectar? Also, don't thing the comma between fat and purple is needed We are fossil seeking explorers. <--the first time I read this, I read 'we are fossils, seeking explorers' kind of an interesting turn around. Perhaps a dash between fossil and seeking? The mirror tells me we still are. Aquiline, short of stature; no one knew we could talk with horses although whenever we swam with them a small crowd gathered on the beach. <--love the magic here I am still mostly late, stuck in the sun-hazy seventies; wear your smile and my heart on my sleeve. Whatever I do, I think you wouldn’t mind. <--like Gary B's suggested line breaks and M's edits here I wish you were here, somewhere between <--break on somewhere? the skyrockets and champagne. I would ask you to dance, pat my head; join me in some crazy adventure. <--I got confused between the narrator asking the father to dance, the father patting the narrator's head. Perhaps 'You would ask me to dance. . . This is really beautiful, V. Thank you for the glimpse into your family. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Dorothy Doyle Mienko
Advanced Member Username: dorothea Post Number: 52 Registered: 04-2003 |
hi<: I think too to make the poem circle back into dancing to let it end with that which got it started beautifully written and I love the images I would end here: I would ask you to dance. |
