| Author | Message | ||
| Michael MV
Senior Member Username: michaelv Post Number: 1011 Registered: 11-2003 |
To conduct my noon docent tour - Dark Images in the Museum - I sport a 5 o'clock shadow Donning a phantom of the opera masque, the half moon lording over marauding masqueraders There is no past at the cross of no return Eric("It's me they hear") & Christine("I am the mask you wear") go as (together in the parts) Heathcliff("Is that you Cathy") & Catherine("I am Heathcliff") on the moor at last the combine unconfined by costumes the flames are free to consume us alzheimeric mute memories upstaged in the dead air of an abandoned opera palace my holy Halloweens' past before me as ghost images playing hide & seek on & off a backstage pass the phantom's right profile a lung left damaged better from the wear for the music of the night oxy mora papier-mache skull bones infinite pause giving breath still life depth in daze of the dead freaks of mother naturally all genuine love stories give rise to superstars after turning out to be horrific off broadway Passion plays (Message edited by MichaelV on November 01, 2005) | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3216 Registered: 07-2002 |
Michael, Nice to see you in heavy crit! These form a strong collection. Some thoughts in-line. To conduct my noon docent tour - Dark Images in the Museum - I sport a 5 o'clock shadow <--this is wonderful! Just the right amount of information and image. Donning a phantom of the opera masque, the half moon lording over marauding masqueraders <--I'm waffling over whether or not I like the repetition of masque/masqueraders. WHile the echo is good for the sonics, I wonder if the piece is too short to really sustain it. Perhaps 'lords' for lording, though again, I see the use of sonics in lording/marauding. There is no past the point of no return Eric("It's me they hear") & Christine("I am the mask you wear") go as (together in the parts) Heathcliff("Is that you Cathy") & Catherine("I am Heathcliff") on the moor at last the combine unconfined by costumes the flames are free to consume us <--this one felt to telling, though I love the phrase 'they combine unconfined/by costumes' great use of sound and rhythm there. alzheimeric mute memories upstaged in the dead air of an abandoned opera palace Halloweens past as ghost images playing hide & seek on & off a backstage pass <--a strong piece, MV. Something in the grammer/punct makes the read choppy in the 'halloweens past' line. Can't put my finger on it though the phantom's right profile a lung left damaged better from the wear for the music of the night <--this one is a little preposition heavy--'from/for/of' in close proximity. oxy mora papier-mache skull bones infinite pause giving breath still life depth in daze of the dead <--very strong. Wow. freaks of mother naturally all genuine love stories give rise to superstars after turning out to be horrific off broadway Passion plays <--love the irony of this one. Clever word play here. Hope something I've babbled about is of use to you. Best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Michael MV
Senior Member Username: michaelv Post Number: 1033 Registered: 11-2003 |
Thanks ljc for reading & offering your biofeedback I'm posting a revision.  MV |
