| Author | Message | ||
| Teresa White
Valued Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 166 Registered: 01-2005 |
In The Eye Of The Beholder You were the family matriarch, with your Winston waving like a baton and who was I not to follow orders –a benevolent dictator, you ruled your daughters with red polished nails though you didn’t notice the early morning I came home with my dress worn inside out— for once I was glad of the Scotch you drowned in each night. Your ashes settle in a Missouri wood; I cry out in dream but you rarely come. When you do, you are thirty-five again –hair black as gun metal, lips alizarin crimson. You were a film noir beauty though you never thought of yourself as beautiful. I know Father searches our faces for signs we look like you, but we are conspicuously ordinary like a swan had given birth to wrens. If only beauty itself could have saved you. | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 2956 Registered: 07-2003 |
This held my interest right up to the final line, Teresa which to me was not adding much to your poem,if it were me I would end on wrens. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5325 Registered: 07-2001 |
Teresa, a bitter poem, hard. Esp the inside out dress. Strong words and images. I tend to agree with Z about the last line, but see why you might like to keep it. Smiles. Gary The Eye of the Coming Storm http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| Will Seamus Ennis
New member Username: willsea Post Number: 3 Registered: 10-2005 |
Teresa, this is powerful stuff, and it's obvious as to the feelings towards the mother, the underlying neglect, the inattention, the invisibility in her dark shadow/beauty. So why should her beauty have saved her? It never does for film noir characters (I like that reference), so how should it have worked for the mother? Is there something unfinished here that being "saved" could have closed? Something unfair about beauty that should have also saved her? I like the poem, it says a lot. Please resolve it. Peace | ||
| Teresa White
Valued Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 169 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks Zephyr, Gary, and Will. I have much to think about here --and, Will, you bring up some very relevant questions. I'll have to work further on this to "resolve" these unanswered questions. My best, Teresa | ||
| karen
Valued Member Username: trig Post Number: 160 Registered: 09-2005 |
funny how we read differently, I dont see this as hard, just grounded with an underlying sadness imagery is beautiful thanks  | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5592 Registered: 11-1998 |
Some really terrific line breaks in this one, Teresa, particularly that one on Scotch. I understand Will's point, though I don't agree. However, I'm not sure I would end on this line. What I have the impulse to do is title the piece with it "If only beauty could have saved you" -- much more evocative than the title you currently have. The only verse I have nits with is this one: "You were a film noir beauty though you never thought of yourself as beautiful. I know Father searches" Both beauty and beautiful in the same verse. Another word for one of them? I might also clip the "I know" and just begin the sentence with "Father searches . . ." Also, "hair black as gun metal" -- I was hoping for a comparison that I've not heard before, something as unique as "alizarin crimson" in the next line. Hope something I've rambled about will help as you edit. Love, M | ||
| Teresa White
Valued Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 171 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks, Karen. So pleased you like the imagery! Thanks, M. You always are such a big help. I like your suggestion to change the title to the last line. I'll fix that 'beauty'/'beautiful' --and work on another modifier than 'gun metal'. It's sometimes hard to find unique synonyms for 'black'. Best, Teresa | ||
| steve williams
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 210 Registered: 05-2005 |
Hi Teresa I like the emotion of the piece, just wanted some more sharp moments on the way. you have 'winston' and 'ashes' -- consider adding to that as an extended metaphor. how smoking limits the life span etc. Also, they all smoked in film noir instead of gun-metal, tobacco, or rolled tobacco? in s2 i would take out the dictator bit, once you have matriarch, that pretty much says the same thing to me. perhaps 'who was I not to follow orders polished like your red nails' or work it in somehow like that? 'conspiciously ordinary' i would look at tying in the film noir here. how about conspiciously technicolor? which ties into a swan being black and white and wrens or another colorful bird? just some thoughts, brainstormin i guess. good luck steve | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2049 Registered: 08-2003 |
Teresa, Here's my thoughts on the last two stanzas. I think the last line could be the title as M suggests but I would cut it out of the end no questions asked. You were a film noir beauty though you never thought of yourself (that way) [as beautiful]. I know Father searches our faces for signs (of) [we look like] you, but we are conspicuously ordinary like a swan (who'd) [had ]given birth to wrens. E | ||
| Teresa White
Valued Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 172 Registered: 01-2005 |
Steve, thanks. I appreciate your brainstorming! You've given me much to think about when I go to the edit process. Btw, 'tobacco' is a fitting choice to replace 'gun metal' --even though I think more of brown than black with that modifier. Good idea to remove the word 'dictator' --you're correct in that the word 'matriarch' already says that. E, thanks --appreciate the particulars you point out --I really like what you've done with the last two stanzas; you've made my editing job that much easier. My best, Teresa | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3187 Registered: 07-2002 |
Teresa, Agree with M and E's suggestions here. Love the wrens as the last line and your original final line as the title. Strong stuff here. Looking forward to the revision. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Teresa White
Valued Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 173 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks lj, Yes, M and E have given me many good suggestions as have the others. Glad you think it is strong. Best, Teresa | ||
| Sis
Moderator Username: djclowes Post Number: 233 Registered: 11-1998 |
how about black = obsidian ? Just a thought. Gun metal is a silver-grey or hemetite shade in my minds eye. A fine piece Teresa. It brings forth many tangled images and emotions. A real thinker. Sis | ||
| Teresa White
Valued Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 189 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks, Sis. "Obsidian" would be a perfect choice for black. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote "gun metal" --you're correct that it is more a silver-grey. Pleased that you found this to be "a fine piece" --that means a lot. Best, Teresa | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1334 Registered: 11-2003 |
yes, sis nailed it but despite that little problem this is a good piece of writing, and I'm glad it got an HM Laurie | ||
| Teresa White
Valued Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 199 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks, Laurie!! Best, Teresa |
