| Author | Message | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1466 Registered: 11-2004 |
~revision~ Every day I lay down branches, criss-cross, a fallen forest, deceptive, they cannot bear a footfall. I call up wrens and bees, larks and beetles- my version of wildlife here on the docile outskirts. Thin sunlight trickles through the curling leaves like an old man’s piss. I have adapted my hearing, translated the meek, predictable sounds of this footpath into a vibrant language rich with the velvet hum of desire. The names of colors unroll like new ribbons. The crisp, smart words of discovery echo off the creek bed. I see what I want to see- constellations at mid-day, the stubborn moon clinging to the pale northwest sky. Swift speckled koi fleck the low water that draws my hand to its cool back. I stroke the silvery stream like a cat. Beneath bitternut and ironwood trees I step off the favored path and tumble again and again into my own well-laid trap. ~original~ Every day I lay down branches, criss-cross, a fallen forest, deceptive, they cannot bear a footfall. I call up wrens and bees, larks and beetles- my version of wildlife here on the docile outskirts. Thin sunlight trickles through the curling leaves like an old man’s piss. I have adapted my hearing, translated the meek, predictable sounds of this footpath into a vibrant language rich with the velvet hum of desire. The names of colors unroll like new ribbons. The crisp, smart words of discovery echo off the creek bed. I see what I want to see- constellations at mid-day, the stubborn moon clinging to the pale northwest sky. Swift speckled koi fleck the low water that draws my hand to its cool back. I stroke the silvery stream like a cat. Beneath bitternut and iron wood trees I step off the favored path and tumble again and again into my own well-laid trap. (Message edited by sparklingseas on October 22, 2005) | ||
| Teresa White
Valued Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 153 Registered: 01-2005 |
Dale, This is excellent writing! An exceptional "seasonal" poem which is a feat in itself. Love the way this one winds down to its powerful close. Just a couple of things to mention: I wonder about the comma after "criss-cross"--seems to read smoother without. Also, ironwood is one word. Thanks for this beautiful poem! Teresa | ||
| Lazarus
Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 73 Registered: 10-2005 |
I love this. This is wonderful. It's as if the essence of everything I've ever thought and done in the woods has been captured in one moment. So much works here: the opening, the pace of the words, the imagery, the action, and the conclusion. Beautiful. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5266 Registered: 07-2001 |
so many images to consider, your similes strong - my favs are together I call up wrens and bees, larks and beetles- my version of wildlife here on the docile outskirts. seldom said but indeed the urban way Thin sunlight trickles through the curling leaves like an old man’s piss. original Be pleased, a short list poem, but it is that kind of day... Smiles. Gary The Eye of the Coming Storm http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5557 Registered: 11-1998 |
Would you consider some verse breaks, Dale, to make this just about perfect? Every day I lay down branches, criss-cross, a fallen forest, deceptive, they cannot bear a footfall. I call up wrens and bees, larks and beetles- my version of wildlife here on the docile outskirts. Thin sunlight trickles through the curling leaves like an old man’s piss. I have adapted my hearing, translated the meek, predictable sounds of this footpath into a vibrant language rich with the velvet hum of desire. The names of colors unroll like new ribbons. The crisp, smart words of discovery echo off the creek bed. I see what I want to see- constellations at mid-day, the stubborn moon clinging to the pale northwest sky. Swift speckled koi fleck the low water that draws my hand to its cool back. I stroke the silvery stream like a cat. Beneath bitternut and iron wood trees I step off the favored path and tumble again and again into my own well-laid trap. Loved the ending. It was unexpected and a delightful discovery! | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2630 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Dale Nice work here. As does M, I like the strong surprise ending. Some of the rest is a bit listish but I think you get away with it due to the overall strength of the piece. The swift speckled koi flecking the water is especially nice and also the fine terms "bitternut and iron wood trees" and so on... also "velvet hum of desire." The analogy to old man's piss is a nice edgy element. I somehow think "vibrant language" is on the telling side and you can do better. Good luck in finalizing this poem, Dale. All my best Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2008 Registered: 08-2003 |
Dale, I love M's suggests on the format. I think that would enhance the piece. I have no nits just a smile and a wave across the woods. E | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 2929 Registered: 07-2003 |
Lovely piece Dale, I too like the breaks M suggested.  | ||
| Morgan Lafay
Intermediate Member Username: morganlafay Post Number: 587 Registered: 08-2005 |
Very, very lovely. Softly beautiful. | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1471 Registered: 11-2004 |
Teresa~ Thank you for your kind words and the corrections. Lazarus~ I appreciate your thoughtful reading and comments. Gary~ It always feels good to be in the shadow of your smile. Thank you. M~ Oh, thank you! I knew I needed verses breaks and know I know where! I am grateful, as always, for your input. Chris~ Many thanks for your thoughtful and kind comments. E~ I'm waving back...{grins!} Thanks so much! Zephyr~ Thank you very much. I will implement M's breaks in the revision. Morgan~ I appreciate your very kind comments. revision posted above take care all~dale | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3162 Registered: 07-2002 |
Ahhhh, magical, Dale. I love this. Very well done. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1316 Registered: 11-2003 |
right up my alley, a truly special poem which I enjoyed thoroughly good work laurie | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1489 Registered: 11-2004 |
Lisa & Laurie~ Thank you both for stopping by. I appreciate your kind words take care~dale |
