| Author | Message | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1887 Registered: 08-2003 |
REVISED 2: The Color of Sound The blue tongue of the bellflower tolls but you cannot hear it. You look to the cove-- sink into its creases, imagine the sky is a blue balloon waiting to take you to sea. How you speak of eyes like aquifers wonder if dying sounds like a blackness or the distant blue of whales. If spring is birth and winter death then what of autumn? Cranberry, rust and orange aspen pulse in your hand vibrate with the wind. I値l crush these leaves into poultice, blend them with the roots of stars, knead your heart until its orange becomes the fire you need. We値l bury the ashes in the throat of a poppy, listen for the first breath of green. REVISED: The Color of Sound The blue tongue of the bellflower tolls but you cannot hear it. You look to the cove-- sink into its creases, imagine the sky is a blue balloon waiting to take you to sea. How you speak of eyes like aquifers wonder if dying sounds like a blackness or the distant blue of whales. If spring is birth and winter death then what of autumn? Cranberry, rust and orange ash pulse in your hand vibrate with the wind. I値l crush these leaves into poultice, blend them with the roots of stars, knead your heart until its orange becomes the fire you need. another possibility which more closely aligns with the message of the poem: ORIGINAL: The blue tongue of the bellflower tolls but you cannot hear it. You look to the cove-- sink into its creases, imagine the sky is a blue balloon waiting to take you to Oz. How you speak of his eyes like aquifers wonder if dying sounds like a blackness or the distant blue of whales. If spring is birth and winter death then what of autumn? Cranberry, rust and orange ash pulse in your hand vibrate with the wind. I値l crush these leaves into poultice, blend them with roots of stars, oil of orange blossoms-- knead your heart until its orange becomes the fire you need. We値l bury him in the throat of a poppy, listen for the first breath of green. | ||
| seaandbell
Advanced Member Username: seaandbell Post Number: 250 Registered: 11-2003 |
it seems colors are coloring everyone's work right now .... this in particular: 'well bury him in the throat of a poppy, listen for the first breath of green' .... ah, Neruda-like, and very very beautiful I like the second version even better.... ~sea~ | ||
| karen
Member Username: trig Post Number: 61 Registered: 09-2005 |
Im with sea, I love, LOVE... 'bury him in the throat of a poppy'. but...I think I prefer it without. beautiful words all round though E | ||
| marty
Advanced Member Username: marty Post Number: 660 Registered: 10-2003 |
KS E, That sea would mention Neruda brought a smile....You have grown so much in your craft KS. Beautiful writing, particularly this "Cranberry, rust and orange ash pulse in your hand vibrate with the wind. I値l crush these leaves into poultice, blend them with the roots of stars, knead your heart until its orange becomes the fire you need. ", and i really like how this stanza complemented the "passive silence" mood of the first. However, I would like the last lines you took away to be there, perhaps as a different stanza. It would be a tangent to blue and orange, emerging as a surprise in the end. Besides, "waiting for the first breathe of green" is a line that creates anticipation in the reader (for this at least). Ending the poem with the image of one that is anticipating creates a vacuum into which a lot of emotion or meaning may pour, it can also create a "participatory" experience that enhances the whole piece. Cheers Brethren Marty | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1889 Registered: 08-2003 |
Hi Sea, M's wonderful Weekly Creative Challenge was one of color this week. Two colors had to be chosen from the complimentary wheel. Each color must represent an emotional counterpoint. If you choose blue and orange, blue must appear four times in the first stanza and orange four times in the last stanza. My poem here has been modified from its original content (poetic license).  Neruda, sigh. Karen, thank you. Your vote is with Sea's then. You love and quote the favorite bit but vote to take it out. Heh heh. Now I'm really uncertain. Ladies--what to do. Hi KS M, Thank you. I was looking for a demure smile icon above, but no such luck. I DO like the surprise of the green at the end. The trouble is the "he" in the original version and its omission in the latter. There may be a way I can slip that back in without the use of a specific pronoun.... I'll think on it. E | ||
| Dan Cox
Member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 71 Registered: 08-2005 |
E, I like your revisions, especially the change to sea in S1 L4; also love the creases in the cove. You also did a fine job of creating a completely different mood in S2, I like the mood of a fiery autumn, and its contrast with the preceding cool blues. Nice work. | ||
| Karla Isbell
Member Username: karla Post Number: 80 Registered: 02-2004 |
Ah, E! You are revising so quickly I can't keep up! Although I absolutely loved the original, the change from the "balloon--Oz" to "sea" in S1 is a very wise choice. It certainly extends the metaphor already present. It is soooo beautifully written. The only change I would make to the 2nd revised S1 is to put a semicolon or a dash after "aquifers" and maybe take the "a" out before "blackness"? My favorite (if I must choose!) is this: If spring is birth and winter death then what of autumn? Cranberry, rust and orange aspen pulse in your hand vibrate with the wind. I think maybe you need a comma after "hand"? And something makes me want some kind of punc between "winter" and "death". Without it, "winter" appears as an adjective instead of the noun it is meant to be. The remainder of the 2nd stanza is purely divine IMHO. My best, Karla | ||
| Penelope
Valued Member Username: penelope Post Number: 247 Registered: 07-2005 |
E, whew. I've just been reading this thread again. The second revision is the best of both other efforts. I pretty much agree with Karla about the punctuation, except that a semicolon doesn't work after "aquifers." A dash or comma would. This is beautiful and the last stanza is incredibly so. Penelope | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1890 Registered: 08-2003 |
So guys you're suggesting I end with: knead your heart until its orange becomes the fire you need. rather than: We値l bury the ashes in the throat of a poppy, listen for the first breath of green. Correct? It looks like you like the throat of a poppy line but still think it should be omitted and that it should end on "fire you need." Just trying to get the consensus. I know Marty wants the poppies in--I'm still inbetween. I'll fix the punc. as suggested. And repost after I hear the votes. x E | ||
| Karla Isbell
Member Username: karla Post Number: 88 Registered: 02-2004 |
E ~ I like the poppies---I'd leave 'em be. | ||
| Penelope
Valued Member Username: penelope Post Number: 250 Registered: 07-2005 |
I vote for the poppies. Penelope | ||
| Cary
Intermediate Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 385 Registered: 07-2005 |
E... I've found my favorite of yours and this one's it. The only thing that would make this poem even more memorable would be to hear it with my eyes closed... to be a true earwitness to the color of sound. I loved the "roots of stars" and the "bury the ashes in the throat of a poppy"... both extremely pioneering images. That's what really grabs me in poetry! Cary... | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1892 Registered: 08-2003 |
Dan your poem blew me away. It's one I can and will learn from. Glad you like the changes and the moods I created. It was a clever challenge. The game of poetry has interesting freedoms and barriers. I learn every day. Karla and Pen, I'm leaning on those poppies. I am going to take this to a reading I'm participating in--my friend insists it should end on "need" but the poppy line is well---popular heh heh. Cary, Your comments made their way straight to my heart. Thank you... E | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3019 Registered: 07-2002 |
E--your revision is very strong. I loved this piece. Two places that I had questions: In stanza one, I had a hard time relating 'cove' to 'creases' and it pulled me out of the wonderful imagery you had created there. In stanza two, the opening lines are (I think) unneeded. Start with 'cranberry' and trust your reader to know it is fall. LOVE this line: I値l crush these leaves into poultice, blend them with the roots of stars, knead your heart until its orange becomes the fire you need. Good luck at the reading! best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1895 Registered: 08-2003 |
Lisa thank you for stopping by. Thinking on your questions. In S2, the intro important because it asks a question about life/death. This piece's meaning is not fully realized in my words but some of these ideas at least allude to the fact. I'm glad you enjoyed this! E | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1896 Registered: 08-2003 |
One issue is with "knead" and "need". Nice for a written piece but confusing when read aloud. Any ideas for a replacement appreciated Also considering "bury the ashes in the throat of a poppy" or "bury the ashes in a poppy's throat" E | ||
| Bren
Advanced Member Username: bren Post Number: 1098 Registered: 12-2001 |
Wow E this is hot with urgency! "We値l bury the ashes in the throat of a poppy" The whole thing is intensely written packed with powerful lines! Excellent IMO. Bren PenShells | ||
| Karla Isbell
Member Username: karla Post Number: 93 Registered: 02-2004 |
E ~ "knead" is crucial IMO to the meaning so you can't lose that---instead of "need", perhaps "plead, bleed, feed, or breed" Some would change your meaning a bit but... Regarding the poppy---I vote for "bury the ashes in the throat of a poppy". It stresses the fact that it is a flower and not a person...I'm weird, I know. | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1904 Registered: 08-2003 |
Bren thanks hon! Yeah this one came from a definite "need". YO is most appreciated and welcome!!! Karla, hmmmm gotta keep the need in need. Not so easy. Don't want to rhyme it. Yes you are weird and thank you for that. You're right I did stay with the more passive because it's softer. The other sounds too aggressive!!!  E | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1275 Registered: 11-2003 |
lovely lovely laurie | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1922 Registered: 08-2003 |
Laurie, Thank you, thank you E |
