| Author | Message | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1139 Registered: 11-2004 |
getting lost (revision) It was so easy with the trail overgrown and the sound of locusts rising like an incantation in the summer afternoon. Heat-sick and thirsty, she sat down among the last flowers, yellow and gone to seed. They tumbled over her feet and the bees gathered around her head like a wreath. She didn’t know then, didn’t realize that she was gone already, the moment she stopped and let her hands grow dusty, let her heart slow down. The long shadows charmed her. The creek’s slow trickle sang in her ear. It took so little- the tail end of a hot breeze buzzing with gnats and the purple hush of twilight. In that smudged light she thought she saw another way to go, thought she heard the sound of sweet water running over smooth rocks. She reached into her chest, took out her heart and laid it, beating like the wings of a thousand dragonflies, into the deepest shadow. And when she ran, pushing through the low branches, she left it there to paint the stones. Getting lost (original) It was so easy with the trail overgrown and the sound of the locusts rising like an incantation in the summer afternoon. Heat-sick and thirsty, she sat down among the last flowers, yellow and gone to seed. They tumbled over her feet and the bees gathered around her head like a wreath. She didn’t know it then, didn’t realize that she was gone already, the moment she stopped and let her hands grow dusty, let her heart slow down. The long shadows charmed her. The creek’s slow trickle sang in her ear. It took so little- the tail end of a hot breeze buzzing with gnats and the purple hush of twilight. In that smudged light she thought she saw another way to go, thought she heard the sound of sweet water running over smooth rocks. She reached into her chest, took out her heart and laid it, beating like the wings of a thousand dragonflies, into the deepest shadow. And when she ran, pushing through the low branches, she left it there to paint the stones. (Message edited by sparklingseas on August 23, 2005) | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2669 Registered: 09-2002 |
Dale, Wow!! All I can say is that I wish I had written something like this. The poem really spoke to me. I hope it gets POTW. Best, Kathryn | ||
| cosima
Intermediate Member Username: cosima Post Number: 480 Registered: 12-2003 |
I could die happily to this. Beauty~* cosima | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2737 Registered: 07-2002 |
Dale, Beautiful. This reads like a fairy tale--mythic and evocative. I'm not sure I understand why she leaves her heart behind, though. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Danielle Stokes
Member Username: abornpoet Post Number: 77 Registered: 08-2005 |
I absolutely love this Dale. Leaves her heart behind upon realizing she's a ghost? Setting herself free from mortality I think? Never the less, it's lovely. ~Danielle | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4574 Registered: 07-2001 |
Dale, as said it is lovely... A wonderful story for the short list, but I do want to touch it here It was so easy with the trail overgrown and the sound of the locusts rising I would drop it was or go active voice - the trail was overgrown change the first break and drop the before locusts She didn’t know it then, didn’t realize I would cut it above and in the next look for active voice instead It took so little- the tail end of a hot breeze buzzing with gnats and the purple hush of twilight. Smiles. Gary Drop in read the new MindFire, 2005's first Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| Dan Cox
New member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 36 Registered: 08-2005 |
Hi Dale, Another gorgeous poem. I agree with Gary, the opening "it was" can go away. Only other line I had a problem with was S2:L1-2, you might shorten to "She didn't realize then That she was gone already." but the poem flows well as is, so these are minor complaints. lovely work. | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 231 Registered: 07-2005 |
Dale... I've painted a few rocks myself and so I can relate to the joy in getting lost where the rhythms of nature overwhelm our sorrows. This is exquisite work Dale. I'm taken by the way you created a saddened soul, yet not made me want to feel sorry for her. In fact, I feel a tingle of happiness in knowing that the sorrow that paints those rocks will be rinsed by the coming rain... and while dreams may also accompany the spilled sorrows, dreams are perennial and their roots are set too deep and only appear to die. And that heart that beats like a thousand dragonflies is utterly brilliant!  Cary... | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1160 Registered: 11-2004 |
Kathryn~ Well, thank you. I am delighted that this spoke to you. Ah, Cosi~ Glad you like, but please don't expire. Even your comments are poetic. Lisa~ You may select your own reasons why a woman might leave her heart behind. I appreciate your kind words. Danielle~ Thank you so much! Gary~ Excellent points all. I will revise with these suggestions in mind. Many thanks. Dan~ If you and Gary both bumped at the same spots that certainly bears a look. Thanks for your comments. Cary~ Whew! It appears I am back in your good graces.  I am so glad you like. You interpretation is almost a poem in itsself. Thank you. take care all~dale | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4946 Registered: 11-1998 |
This one gives new meaning to "ripping your own heart out," Dale. I liked the surreal nature of this piece, the handling of unreal actions as if they were literal. Good work! | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1164 Registered: 11-2004 |
Thank you M~ I appreciate that. take care~dale | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2360 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dale, enjoyed. Many wonderful things in this poem; incantations, the creek, bees, dragonflies! Can't wait to see the revision. K | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1177 Registered: 11-2004 |
Kathy~ Thank you so much! I appreciate your comments. take care~dale |
