| Author | Message | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1079 Registered: 11-2004 |
Cartography She takes the maps, stacks them straight, rolls them very tight. They become so small and slim. It is a fancy trick to slide the world into a cardboard tube- mountains tumble, oceans spill and deserts trickle like hourglass sand amid the tangled trees. When she sleeps the maps unfurl across her like a paper wing and the places lie upon her skin, whisper their names in her ear. She breathes the saffron scented air that blows across the waters deep and dark- aglitter with possibilities. The fragile charts cannot be burnt nor blown by winds of malice. They wrap her in the colors of fortune, shelter her safe in every cove beneath the strongest oaks. The iridescence of all she wishes fills each breath and illuminates every shadowed place within. By daylight she paces a most slender path within a gated garden, her face a shuttered lantern, heart as silent as a stone. But the maps have done their work and her slippered feet recall the papery shush of stolen steps across a fragile field. revision Cartography She takes the maps, stacks them straight, rolls them very tight. They become so small and slim. It is a fancy trick to slide the world into a cardboard tube- mountains tumble, oceans spill and deserts trickle like hourglass sand amid the tangled trees. When she sleeps the maps unfurl across her like a paper wing and the places lie upon her skin, whisper their names in her ear. She breathes the saffron scented air that blows across the waters deep and dark- aglitter with possibilities. The fragile charts cannot be burnt nor scattered by harsh winds. They wrap her in the colors of fortune, shelter her safe in every cove beneath the strongest oaks. The iridescence of all she wishes fills each breath and illuminates every shadowed place within. By daylight she paces a slender path within a gated garden, her face a shuttered lantern, heart as silent as a stone. But the maps have done their work and her slippered feet recall the papery shush of stolen steps across a fragile field. (Message edited by sparklingseas on August 07, 2005) (Message edited by sparklingseas on August 08, 2005) (Message edited by sparklingseas on August 08, 2005) | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1479 Registered: 08-2003 |
Great subject and smashing read. I can admire much here Dale and ask myself--how does she do it? You must write poems in your sleep! Okay here comes da crits...and this said through a carboard papertowel tube "is only my opinion". S1 and S2 are stunning. I wouldn't change a thing. So much to comment and select, better for me to say I love it all. S3 - nor blown by winds of malice. This feels a little contrived. I'm feeling "poetry" here rather than observing the cartographer. I'd take out. A better phrase than "winds of malice." And then... to end on "every shadowed place within." You really have it all to this point and even though the subsequent strophe is very nice, I'd chop it's pretty little head off. Thinking now about Cary's dandelions  She's got me into poetic decapitation. x E | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 155 Registered: 07-2005 |
Pardon me for one second Dale: Thinking now about Cary's dandelions She's got me into poetic decapitation. If you like that, imagine the wind sweeping across said dandelions like a guillotine. And ahem, remember, I'm a he? Ahhh Dale... I must say that this IS by far the finest poem I've read at this site. It's one of those poems that gets me itching to write in the hopes that I might find myself, at least, in the same time zone as such brilliance. The first strophe is absolutely captivating and the rest is "merely" inspiring. I shall (and have) read this many times over. I have no nits.... well, maybe one... that being that I didn't write it!  Cary... | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1484 Registered: 08-2003 |
Oh Cary! Geez I keep wanting to give you a sex change operation! Sorry. It's the name that trips me up. E | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 156 Registered: 07-2005 |
It's okay Dr. E. Just think Cary Grant since that's who my father named me after. Cary... | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4477 Registered: 07-2001 |
Dale, a poem for the short list and beyond. E might have good points. She should be listened too as you know. Here By daylight she paces a most slender path another line that needs a better break... Thanks much. Gary Drop in read the new MindFire, 2005's first Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| Denis M. Garrison
Advanced Member Username: denismgarrison Post Number: 504 Registered: 01-2005 |
Dale, Well done! Fully realized; needs only the lightest polish. In the last stanza, I would lose "most" from "By daylight she paces a most slender path" - it feels self-conscious. bw, Denis www.dmgar.com Visit Haiku Harvest at www.haikuharvest.net Visit Loch Raven Review at www.lochravenreview.com My books are available at www.lulu.com/denismgarrison | ||
| Mudcat Miller
New member Username: mudcat Post Number: 3 Registered: 08-2005 |
Yes, it's a beautiful, haunting poem. I especially like the care taken to fashion "hourglass sand" and "a paper wing" == human constructs rather than the real things, like maps themselves. And she's very rightly placed in a gated garden. My only quibble is with the third stanza, which sounds expository -- talking about something rather than making it breathe. In that vein, I think the poem would become more powerful if the last stanza were moved up and a new last stanza gave us a hint as to why she's a prisoner. Also, perhaps, something tantalizingly ersatz (a wall painted indigo? canary yellow?) could catch her eye. | ||
| "A-Bear"
Moderator Username: dane Post Number: 1210 Registered: 11-1998 |
No nits from me. Wish I could offer something constructive to add other than "enjoyed" but I truly appreciate the mind that thought to pen this. D | ||
| Penelope
New member Username: penelope Post Number: 9 Registered: 07-2005 |
Ditto, Cary and E. This poem is going to the head of the publication line, so I humbly point out that grammatically, "places lie upon her skin." I'm sure I caught it because it's the line I read over and over again for the pure beauty of it. | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1083 Registered: 11-2004 |
E ~ Ok... the malice is gone. Now, are you suggesting losing the entire last strophe? And writing in my sleep, huh? Not sure if that's good or not, but I am brilliant at 3am when there is neither paper & pen or computer near by... sigh...  Cary~ Ha ha! As if that is your name. Obviously you are my mother undercover as no one else on this planet would dare heap such unwarranted praise upon my head. I'll play along though, and say thank you most kindly. Gary~ Re-did the line break. Lord, I'm lousy at that. Thanks for the tip... and kind words. Mudcat~ Excellent food for thought. I will mull over your very good suggestions.Thanks! Denis~ Oh, dear, you are right. Most must go. Consider it slashed. Thank you! Dane~ Thanks for appreciating my mind  . That made me grin. Penelope~ Ooops! Thanks for pointing out the lie/lay. I have been out of school WAAAAY too long. Thanks for your kind comments. take care all~dale | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 158 Registered: 07-2005 |
Ha ha! As if that is your name. Obviously you are my mother undercover as no one else on this planet would dare heap such unwarranted praise upon my head LOL! I've been called lots of things but never an "undercover mother". Seriously, if this poem doesn't win poem of the week, I want to know who's responsible so I can give them a piece of my mind. PS... Give my grandkids smooches... | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1084 Registered: 11-2004 |
Thanks Mom! love ya~ dale ps~Graeme Mullen's delightful "Summer Fling" took the honors this week- and rightly so. Those naughty butterflies cannot be beat! (Message edited by sparklingseas on August 08, 2005) | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2647 Registered: 07-2002 |
Yo Dale! Quit posting such great pieces late on sundays!!!!! A well written piece, Dale. Bravo. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| susan wiener
Valued Member Username: susie Post Number: 220 Registered: 07-2004 |
very well done! | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2299 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dale, very nice. Where do I find maps like that? K | ||
| Jeffrey A Meyer
New member Username: jeffmeyer Post Number: 19 Registered: 05-2002 |
Dale: Maps affect me like this. I was able to identify closely with this poem, and with the underlying mood of an inability to leave the familiar places I live. But the maps give me some outlet that would otherwise be denied. Kidn of sad compensation, but some ray of happiness nonetheless. And I think that mood, or combination of moods, was communicated very well by the last verse. Nice work. | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1740 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dale, Very well written. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit The Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.com. | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1091 Registered: 11-2004 |
Lisa~ You know, I wrote it and posted it... didn't even think about it being late on Sunday. My timing has always been lousy. Kathy~ I wish I knew. If I find some I promise to share them with you. Jeff and Jim~ Thanks so much for your kind comments. take care all~dale | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1149 Registered: 11-2003 |
outstanding poem enjoyed very much laurie |
