| Author | Message | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1154 Registered: 12-2003 |
Giant Light divides, sips the floor and bends back on the windows of The Ship Inn. I feel it trace my neck as I lean on the rail-- almost warmth as it passes me by, skimming tiles to meet with his face. The lighthouse has a small alcove at its base-- a simple stone wall on two sides, hip high. We crushed down the tall grass until a cushion of green held our weight, leaned on limestone and watched the giant’s torch beam across cliff and ocean. We talked about how we would follow the wide tail of light as it faded far out to sea. We would keep going until we had travelled over the tip of hillsides to find ourselves sitting there still-- still watching. We kept our promises, journeyed through deep, red valleys, across chalk cliffs and salt. Floated like gulls-- carefree, taking fish from rivers as sun dipped beyond the crevice of mountains and took us to bed under canvas and tangled branches. We saw the world as our garden-- just like we said, but separately-- at different times and with other people. I cannot think why he never risked my smile, or why I never laid fingers on his mouth. A mouth he now holds against creases, ten years tired-- still beautiful-- as he sits alone at his table with the lighthouse blinking across his face. I step from the rail, walk along the valley road, follow another beam of light stretching from a giant. | ||
| Dale McLain
Valued Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 866 Registered: 11-2004 |
Lia~ Very lovely and bittersweet. So many wonderful lines. I wonder about the "wide tail" of light... perhaps a wide something else? Ah, but what do I know? Really, this is quite beautiful. take care~dale | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1158 Registered: 12-2003 |
kind thanks Dale. Hmm.. when I wrote this I was jumping between 'tail' and 'trail', just couldn't make my mind up because both say something slightly different. I'll have another think on it, thanks for highlighting it for me. lia | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Advanced Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4116 Registered: 07-2001 |
Lia, another great read. On the one hand rail and tail (or trail), one the other maybe beam, but then you use it at the end, so that will not do. Slice of light? I wondered at garden, on the first read with this poem of the sea, it bothered me. On the second and third it did not. Thanks. Gary Drop in read the new MindFire, 2005's first Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Advanced Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2498 Registered: 09-2002 |
Lia, having been near lighthouses at night with boyfriends (to make out with) I could relate to this poem, though it is about a more intimate relationship. I thought "tail of light" was original; I could see it so clearly. Alot of wonderful lines here. Though long, this poem paid up. Best, Kathryn | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 3167 Registered: 11-1998 |
Quite a journey of a lifetime, lia, with all the trials and travails that ensue. 'Tis a wonderful story, a most amazing poem. The only bit where I tripped was this: "held our weight, lent on limestone and watched the giant’s torch beam " The word "lent" -- while I realize that this is proper English, still lent is an old form that is no longer used in common speech. I was wondering if the new "leaned" would work better here. Unless, of course, you wanted that old world feel. | ||
| Emusing
Advanced Member Username: emusing Post Number: 1198 Registered: 08-2003 |
An unrequited love poem? As soft as the fog's breath. Lovely, lady. E | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1159 Registered: 12-2003 |
Thanks Gary, still thinking on tail.. kind thanks for the suggestion. I'm glad that the garden grew on you! smiles Kind Thanks Kathryn.. I do think that lighthouses have a romantic way with them. Thanks for letting me know about tail.. I expect I'll keep it... atleast until something demands to take its place. Thank you for your kind comments M. I understand what you're saying about 'lent'.. I will pop to discussions to get that changed. kind thanks for bringing my attention to it. E, Thanks kindly.. yep that's it.. unrequited/unfrequented love..and you know I don't write love poems often! Perhaps I'll go for a straight forward love poem soon! eek! Kindest Regards Lia | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2414 Registered: 07-2002 |
Lia, This is beautiful. Lighthouses have always fascinated me and have an air of sadness about them. A few minor suggestions for your consideration: We saw the world as our garden-- just like we said, but separately-- at different times and with other people. I found the 'just like we said' to be too conversational and didn't match the tone of the rest. I think it would work well without. and here: A mouth he now holds against creases, ten years tired Is this his own palm? eg, cradling his head in his hands? This line so wonderfully evokes the sadness and regret: I cannot think why he never risked my smile, or why I never laid fingers on his mouth beautiful! best, ljc | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1176 Registered: 12-2003 |
Kind Thanks ljc, I always appreciate you coming by and commenting on my work. I'll have a think about removing 'just like we said'.. I understand your point with it. Your interpretation of the next part is perfect, which makes me think it should stay as it is.. yes? Thank you for your kind comments. lia | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2416 Registered: 07-2002 |
Lia--just wanted to make sure I saw that image as you intended--no changes suggested. best, ljc | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1180 Registered: 12-2003 |
ah right, ok ljc.. thanks kindly for letting me know. lia | ||
| Bren
Advanced Member Username: bren Post Number: 937 Registered: 12-2001 |
Beautiful EV and it continues to the end to be beautiful. In longer works sometimes my interest goes South but not here. I loved it. : ) Bren |
