| Author | Message | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1042 Registered: 12-2003 |
I closed all the windows I wanted to be a fire opal with a copper tongue and the nebular back of a kingfisher. There, in your bathwater, as you soaked days shade from the lilac hollows of your jaw. There, on the maple skin of a finger, pressed into silver as you sighed and turned her away. I wanted to be mistaken for a woman walking amid a crowd of ghosts on Hammersmith with her chin held high. In a dress that looked like an orchid repelling grit, turning out layers of innocence each time an alley suffocated the sunlight. I wished to be stronger than the wind that pushed beneath doors to carry Spring in with the draught, or to move like water from a tearstain-- vanished from floorboards, returned to the cooling of wide-open stratosphere. I believed walls were armour gathered like a shield around me. A shelter that halted rhythm outside my window as ochre and green drew curtains close against the sill. I believed time was dormant-- a paused firework of stars that formed my quiet-- nothing could come in, nothing could leave. | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1050 Registered: 12-2003 |
I couldn't decide on which format worked better. Would love to hear your opinions. I closed all the windows I wanted to be a fire opal with a copper tongue and the nebular back of a kingfisher. There in your bathwater as you soaked days shade from the lilac hollows of your jaw. There, on the maple skin of a finger, pressed into silver as you sighed and turned her away. I wanted to be mistaken for a woman walking amid a crowd of ghosts on Hammersmith with her chin held high. In a dress that looked like an orchid repelling grit, turning out layers of innocence each time an alley smothered the sunlight. I wished to be stronger than the wind that pushed beneath doors to carry Spring in with the draught, Or to move like water from a tearstain-- vanished from floorboards, returned to the cooling of wide-open stratosphere. I believed walls were armour gathered like a shield about my shoulders. A shelter that halted rhythm outside my window as ochre and green drew curtains close against the sill. I believed time was dormant-- a paused firework of stars that formed my quiet-- nothing could come in, nothing could leave. | ||
| Zephyr
Intermediate Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 2583 Registered: 07-2003 |
I think I liked the first version best Lia, There, on the maple skin of a finger, pressed into silver as you sighed and turned her away. something about this sentence didn't gel smoothly for me, not sure what...a finger...who's...his? Apart from that one small nit...lovely | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Advanced Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2396 Registered: 09-2002 |
Lia, I liked the first, too. This has amazing images. Definately a poem that deserves a "Brava!" Best, Kathryn | ||
| Emusing
Intermediate Member Username: emusing Post Number: 1160 Registered: 08-2003 |
Lia, I vote for the first version too. Very smooth and polished. There's something heartwrenching about the undertones of this poem--it moves me in ways I can't explain. All so beautiful my favorite bit: I believed walls were armour gathered like a shield around me. A shelter that halted rhythm outside my window as ochre and green drew curtains close against the sill. I believed time was dormant-- a paused firework of stars that formed my quiet-- nothing could come in, nothing could leave. You might reconsider the title, perhaps "Closure."  E | ||
| M
Moderator Username: mjm Post Number: 3002 Registered: 11-1998 |
I'm in favor of the first version as well, lia, but then again, I always seem to like longer, flowing lines better than short, choppy ones. This is a very accomplished piece. Lines like this: "as you soaked days shade from the lilac hollows of your jaw" "on the maple skin of a finger" "I believed time was dormant-- a paused firework of stars that formed my quiet" are the essence of true poetry! | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1052 Registered: 12-2003 |
Thanks Zephyr. Perhaps those lines are abit complicated, but your interpretation is spot on. The finger with a fire opal ring could be his, hers or the narrators.. however the reader wants to interpret it. Thanks kindly Kathryn.. always good to hear your comments. E, Thank you! The last S has been the hardest part of this.. I am so glad you highlighted it. hmm... that title.. it's not quite right is it. I like how it connects with the final line, but certainly needs tightening. Maybe 'I closed all windows' (taking out 'the') or perhaps 'Closed' I'll think on it. M, kind thanks to you for your comments.. very glad you enjoyed this. Nice to be back amongst you all again! Well then, I will stick with the first version, thanks all! Lia | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Advanced Member Username: garyb Post Number: 3752 Registered: 07-2001 |
the first please. A vg read that requires study to see it all. A couple of thoughts days shade day's and no cap on spring Thanks. Gary Time to read FireWeed. Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a couple of clicks | ||
| Jim Doss
Intermediate Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1627 Registered: 12-2003 |
Lia, Definitely the first version. Jim Learning to Talk Again is now available at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1411625552, or http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?isbn=1411625552. | ||
| Laurie Byro
Valued Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 944 Registered: 11-2003 |
I really love this poem first version for sure very good, Lia be proud I am to know you oh and did you read about the Elizabeth gardens in Warwickshire? I'll have to visit them and you some day, both are close, right? laurielovestheseQueens well not really, I told you she gave me a very hard time when I was Mary Queen of Scots of course I forgive her now that I'm reincarnated into Laurie B | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Intermediate Member Username: kathy Post Number: 1909 Registered: 12-2003 |
Lia, just adding another vote for the first version. Lovely writing. K | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1053 Registered: 12-2003 |
Kind Thanks Gary. I will try to get those changes made, thanks for pointing to them. Thanks for coming by to read Jim. It does seem that everyone prefers the first format. I'll scrap the other. Thank you for reading and commenting Kathy.. glad you liked this and thanks for your vote! Thank you kindly laurie. I gather you mean Charlecote.. house of the Lucy family. It's about 3 hours drive from me, I've never visited though. lol.. I bet they'd let us in considering you've forgiven her now! I think Shakespeare wandered around the gardens there too in his hay-day? not sure? Hampton Court Palace(in London)is another stunning place to visit. The lake and gardens are truly beautiful. kind regards lia | ||
| Lisa
Member Username: lisa_m Post Number: 164 Registered: 11-2003 |
Lia, A vote for the first version. Stunning writing and definately one of my favs of yours. I wanted to be a fire opal with a copper tongue and the nebular back of a kingfisher. There, in your bathwater, as you soaked days shade from the lilac hollows of your jaw. Lisa | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1064 Registered: 12-2003 |
Thanks for the vote lisa.. I think it's unanimous for the first version. With all this voting I feel like a government candidate! lol Thank you for coming by to read and for your kind comments. Lia |
